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When I was a kid my friends and I believed things like: “If all the people in China jump at exactly the same moment, the resulting shock will cause the earth to spin off its axis.” This was because we were getting our education from Chappies wrappers instead of schoolbooks. Nowadays I’ve become much more sophisticated and I only read credible sources like the Mayan calendar which many people believe accurately predicts the end of the world, despite its inability to predict the end of the Mayans. Coincidentally, the same people believe that all this 2012 apocalypse stuff can be averted if we can get the earth to wear a “balancing” wristband. So I figure I’m as qualified as anyone else to make statements and predictions. I was going to Wiki-leak them in a slow drip, but the only person likely to be embarrassed is me. And if those Chinese people suddenly jump without warning, you might not have time to check my Facebook status updates. So here’s what I think is going to happen: The world economy will continue to operate with all the efficiency of the brakes on a second hand Toyota. SA has been invited to join the BRIC group of nations. Unfortunately due to the worsening skills shortage, the actual making of bricks might have to be outsourced, either to other BRIC countries or through a completely impartial and non-political tender process that will grant the job to the company whose owner wears the flashiest wristwatches. If there are electricity blackouts, the phone line for fault reporting will probably not be manned, but luckily we will be able to make use of the alternative method and notify the power company online, using a computer. During a power cut. Road fatalities will continue to drop, because as petrol prices rise and roads deteriorate, fewer people will be able to afford to drive. Road safety will also be strictly enforced by the police. There is no truth to the rumour that new police vehicles will be kitted out with GPS while new metro cop cars will have built in ATM's. The Somali pirate threat will worsen, though. So watch out when driving past Bruma Lake. We will defeat rhino and perlemoen poachers… IF we diligently spread the word that the best aphrodisiac is ground up penis of poacher mixed with powdered vuvuzelas. The Proteas will go to the cricket world cup. And win it. Provided that this time we play according to the system by Duckworth and Lewis, not F*ckwit and Clueless. If we find a new and creative way to lose again, I think it’s time bookmakers paid us to watch them.   Finally, I want to wish everyone a very safe 2011. Let’s not stress about any of the above predictions, because (a) my psychic balancing wristband is a cheap fake and (b) these large issues are mostly out of our hands. If we want the best possible year, we need to be careful about the everyday things like a Sunday braai. It has all the ingredients for disaster: open flames, free flowing alcohol, sharp tools. And that's before you add in swimming pools, car keys & raw meat lying in the sun. Damn! It's a wonder there's anyone left to screw up Monday. But if you insist on worrying about the end of the world, remember the Vredefort Dome is the world's largest & oldest astrobleme, which is not academic speak for saying mother earth has cellulite. It proves that South Africa has already been struck by something awfully large from outer space. And we can be reassured that there’s very little chance of that happening tw…
9th January 2011
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BLOG: Predictions
When I was a kid my friends and I believed things like: “If all the people in China jump at exactly the same moment, the resulting shock will cause the earth to spin off its axis.” This was because we were getting our education from Chappies wrappers instead of schoolbooks. Nowadays I’ve become much more sophisticated and I only read credible sources like the Mayan calendar which many people believe accurately predicts the end of the world, despite its inability to predict the end of the Mayans. Coincidentally, the same people believe that all this 2012 apocalypse stuff can be averted if we can get the earth to wear a “balancing” wristband. So I figure I’m as qualified as anyone else to make statements and predictions. I was going to Wiki-leak them in a slow drip, but the only person likely to be embarrassed is me. And if those Chinese people suddenly jump without warning, you might not have time to check my Facebook status updates. So here’s what I think is going to happen: The world economy will continue to operate with all the efficiency of the brakes on a second hand Toyota. SA has been invited to join the BRIC group of nations. Unfortunately due to the worsening skills shortage, the actual making of bricks might have to be outsourced, either to other BRIC countries or through a completely impartial and non- political tender process that will grant the job to the company whose owner wears the flashiest wristwatches. If there are electricity blackouts, the phone line for fault reporting will probably not be manned, but luckily we will be able to make use of the alternative method and notify the power company online, using a computer. During a power cut. Road fatalities will continue to drop, because as petrol prices rise and roads deteriorate, fewer people will be able to afford to drive. Road safety will also be strictly enforced by the police. There is no truth to the rumour that new police vehicles will be kitted out with GPS while new metro cop cars will have built in ATM's. The Somali pirate threat will worsen, though. So watch out when driving past Bruma Lake. We will defeat rhino and perlemoen poachers… IF we diligently spread the word that the best aphrodisiac is ground up penis of poacher mixed with powdered vuvuzelas. The Proteas will go to the cricket world cup. And win it. Provided that this time we play according to the system by Duckworth and Lewis, not F*ckwit and Clueless. If we find a new and creative way to lose again, I think it’s time bookmakers paid us to watch them.   Finally, I want to wish everyone a very safe 2011. Let’s not stress about any of the above predictions, because (a) my psychic balancing wristband is a cheap fake and (b) these large issues are mostly out of our hands. If we want the best possible year, we need to be careful about the everyday things like a Sunday braai. It has all the ingredients for disaster: open flames, free flowing alcohol, sharp tools. And that's before you add in swimming pools, car keys & raw meat lying in the sun. Damn! It's a wonder there's anyone left to screw up Monday. But if you insist on worrying about the end of the world, remember the Vredefort Dome is the world's largest & oldest astrobleme, which is not academic speak for saying mother earth has cellulite. It proves that South Africa has already been struck by something awfully large from outer space. And we can be reassured that there’s very little chance of that happening tw…
9th January 2011