When I was a kid my friends and I believed things like: “If all the people in
China jump at exactly the same moment, the resulting shock will cause
the earth to spin off its axis.” This was because we were getting our
education from Chappies wrappers instead of schoolbooks.
Nowadays I’ve become much more sophisticated and I only read credible
sources like the Mayan calendar
which many people believe
accurately predicts the end of
the world, despite its inability to
predict the end of the Mayans. Coincidentally, the same people believe
that all this 2012 apocalypse stuff can be averted if we can get the earth to
wear a “balancing” wristband.
So I figure I’m as qualified as anyone else to make statements and
predictions. I was going to Wiki-leak them in a slow drip, but the only
person likely to be embarrassed is me. And if those Chinese people
suddenly jump without warning, you might not have time to check my
Facebook status updates. So here’s what I think is going to happen:
The world economy will continue to operate with all the efficiency of the
brakes on a second hand Toyota. SA has been invited to join the BRIC
group of nations. Unfortunately due to the worsening skills shortage, the
actual making of bricks might have to be outsourced, either to other BRIC
countries or through a completely impartial and non-political tender
process that will grant the job to the company whose owner wears the
If there are electricity blackouts, the phone line for fault reporting will
probably not be manned, but luckily we will be able to make use of the
alternative method and notify the power company online, using a
computer. During a power cut.
Road fatalities will continue to drop, because as petrol prices rise and
roads deteriorate, fewer people will be able to afford to drive. Road safety
will also be strictly enforced by the police. There is no truth to the rumour
that new police vehicles will be kitted out with GPS while new metro cop
cars will have built in ATM's.
The Somali pirate threat will worsen, though. So watch out when driving
past Bruma Lake.
We will defeat rhino and perlemoen poachers… IF we diligently spread the
word that the best aphrodisiac is ground up penis of poacher mixed with
The Proteas will go to the cricket world cup. And win it. Provided that this
time we play according to the system by Duckworth and Lewis, not F*ckwit
and Clueless. If we find a new and creative way to lose again, I think it’s
time bookmakers paid us to watch them.
Finally, I want to wish everyone a very safe 2011. Let’s not stress about
any of the above predictions, because (a) my psychic balancing wristband
is a cheap fake and (b) these large issues are mostly out of our hands. If
we want the best possible year, we need to be careful about the everyday
things like a Sunday braai. It has all the ingredients for disaster: open
flames, free flowing alcohol, sharp tools. And that's before you add in
swimming pools, car keys & raw meat lying in the sun. Damn! It's a
wonder there's anyone left to screw up Monday.
But if you insist on worrying about the end of the world, remember the
Vredefort Dome is the world's largest & oldest astrobleme, which is not
academic speak for saying mother earth has cellulite. It proves that South
Africa has already been struck by something awfully large from outer
space. And we can be reassured that there’s very little chance of that
9th January 2011