ARTICLE: Sunday Tribune - I don’t cook
Click here for the orginal article
Cooking Article by Al Prodgers
I DON’T COOK!
Okay, I admit, I do and I like it. But I
shouldn’t be allowed. For starters…
(Haha! “Starters” Geddit?...
Sorry.) To begin with,
good cooks are focussed
and methodical, qualities I
became a comedian to avoid. If you
could hear the static inside my head,
let me into a
My wife lets
me help with
fed with lots
of stuff that’s
“fresh” and “organic”, words that
supermarkets use as a euphemism for
“overpriced”. She believes you are
what you eat. That may be why she
says that during my bachelor years I
was greasy, full of chemicals and
available to be picked up at any petrol
station. I’ve learned not to argue,
because she’s deadly accurate with a
seedless Satsuma. It cheers me up that
we can now buy fruit called Satsumas,
because I’d feel stupid paying twenty-
five bucks for a packet of plain old
Apparently, shops are justified
charging premium prices for good
ingredients because cooking is the new
rock & roll. I must be tone deaf.
Whatever it was that gave B.B. King
the blues, it wasn’t because his soufflé
flopped. Jimi Hendrix wrote Purple
Haze, not Brinjal Haze. And even
though The Red Hot Chilli Peppers
sound delicious, just one look at what
they (don’t) wear on stage is all it
takes to realise they never go
anywhere near a hot spattering stove.
What I really like about cooking is
seeing how much my baby daughter
enjoys eating. As she tries solid food
for the first time, each new taste
sensation is a wildly exciting
experience. Pieces of avocado are
explored, not only for texture and
yumminess, but also for their
aerodynamic properties. Her laughter
as she watches banana slice Frisbees
whiz across the kitchen, is pure
delight. And her admiring smile at me
when I peel a Satsuma/naartjie is feels
like a standing ovation.
Simple food, prepared with love and
laughter. When I keep that in mind, I
realise cooking isn’t about sautéed
quail’s spleen. And then I do cook.
Recipe: Winter Ostrich Bolognaise
· 1 x Bottle good red wine. (The
rest is really optional.)
· 1 x Large onion (diced)
· 500g Ostrich mince
· 250g Mushrooms (sliced)
· 1 x Tin red kidney beans
· 4 x Large tomatoes (diced)
· 1 x Large carrot (grated)
· 1 x Large parsnip (diced)
· 5 x Baby marrows (sliced)
· 50ml Tomato puree
· 15ml Chutney
· 1 x Sprig fresh rosemary
· 10ml Beef stock powder
· 2 x tsp Masala spice
· 1 x Garlic clove (crushed)
· Freshly ground black pepper
· Olive oil
· 4 x portions Spaghetti
Open the wine, drink, enjoy. If
you like, carry on…
Do all the slicing and dicing
before you have too much wine.
Chat with your family/friends.
Get somebody to sauté the onions
in a large pan until transparent.
Add the masala spice.
Add the ostrich mince and brown.
Add the mushrooms, beans,
tomatoes, carrots, parsnip, baby
marrows, puree, chutney,
rosemary, stock powder and
Simmer for 20 minutes while
drinking and socialising.
Season to taste with black
Did I mention wine?
Cook the spaghetti in boiling,
salted water. (Al dente? Good
Drain when cooked. (The
spaghetti, not you!)
Top the spaghetti with bolognaise
and serve. (If you’ve run out of
wine, there might be a beer in
15th August 2012